Saturday Book Read w/ Sharine Jones: Chapter 3 Confused & Delusional Part 4


Reflections of A Woman’s Indiscretions

This book is dedicated to my mother Elena, grandmothers Josephine & Evril, & to all the Ladies in my life – Strong women I have seen Prevail no matter the circumstances or challenges.

Previously…

Sharine Jones

March 2005

Alcohol has the power to make a person bold and stupid – that’s what I know. I got up off of my ass and I limped to my car. With Ori as my passenger, I sped right behind him–flying down La Brea. I didn’t know what I was thinking or trying to prove but I was angry, embarrassed, and humiliated. But seriously, “What was I going to do, if I caught up with him?”

It was a blessing in disguise when I lost control of my car that we ran into the curb just outside of Popeye’s Chicken. Lucky for me and Ori, it wasn’t through Popeye’s! Looking back at it now, I can shake my head and laugh. But right then and there, it was far from amusing because I broke the right side suspension of my car. If I had lost control of my car, then I probably would have made a bad situation into a much worse situation.

As a result from this event, I lost my car for two weeks because of repairs. So I had no choice but to take public transportation to work, and depend on Blu to pick me up where I was slacking with the kids. I didn’t see or speak to Slimm for over a week and again I thought about our “good times,” which ultimately lead me to call him.

Our separation was short lived and another episode would be in the works sooner or later.

April 2005

            Slimm and I were arguing like we always did. He would get upset for no reason and then put the blame on me. I was always the blame for everything in our relationship: whether it be speaking or seeing Blu too often, or saying (or doing) something that I shouldn’t have said. Everyday, there was always an issue. But then again, we clearly had unresolved issues.

I learned the hard way that a person has to be 100% good within themselves before they can ever be in a relationship with someone else. A person who isn’t right within themselves has nothing to offer except for problems and sex – and that’s not saying a lot because a person can get sex anywhere today.

So, there we were creating more problems from the relationship instead of adding to it. And on this particular Saturday night, he wanted to be free of me. But instead of telling me this, he initiated an argument that would soon escalate into a brawl–and words began to fly.

           “I’m with the homies tonight,” he said arrogantly.

          “Why didn’t you tell me this before I came all the way over here to see you?” I asked, bothered by his short-noticed plans.

Immediately he responded, “I’m telling you now!”

Seriously, this is how you do me?” I said annoyingly by his inconsideration.

Look, just take yo ass back to Faith’s and I’ll call you later!

And so that night he decided to go kick it with his boys, while I was forced to go back to Faith’s house; I was really pissed off.

Somehow it was always okay for him to dismiss me like I was a non-factor bitch! So, without a second thought, I flung his fitted baseball cap out the car window and drove off. The cap that I flung so vigorously happen to land in a puddle of water, which was in the middle of the street. When I saw this, I knew he was gonna go H.A.M. (Hard As a Muthafucka) on my ass. So instead of leaving, I drove and parked my car across the street by the Village Green Condos, which was directly diagonally across the street from his homeboy’s house. “Why didn’t I keep driving?” It was because I wanted him to come after me.

I didn’t realize it then, but I was glad that I accepted his negative attention–even feeding into it. However, there were things I did see clearly but could not realize.

 

He constantly disregarded my feelings; He never took responsibility for his actions; and He always used intimidation and fear against me. It started to bother me because I was all too aware of them. I knew everything that he did to me was wrong, so “why did I keep allowing it?” It was because I didn’t have a sense of worth. I was losing myself in him, and the truth was I just wanted to be with him. I was totally confused and delusional in regards to my feelings about the relationship.

With vengeance in his eyes, he sprinted across the street to my car.

I sat still in the driver’s seat with the window rolled up when he started banging on it.

He yelled at me saying, “You wanna fuck my shit up? Lower the fuckin’ window Sharine or I’ma break this muthafucka!”

I refused and said, “I’ll lower it when you calm down and talk to me with sense.”

Sharine, I’m not playin.’ Lower this muthafucka,” he said impatiently.

Without a second notice he took his foot, kicked and shattered my window into a million pieces. Now I was stuck with nowhere to go. I sat there in disbelief while I was covered in broken glass. By the time I looked up he ran back across the street, got into his car, smashed out; he left me there looking stupid.

Once he left the scene I slowly stepped out of my car attempting to clean up the glass from the floor and seats. I know I started it by throwing his hat into the street, and consequently into the puddle, but breaking my window? He was always so extreme with his retaliation.

That night I returned to Faith’s and told her the business. All of my girls were concerned about my unhealthy love for this man. They didn’t understand what I wanted with or saw in Slimm. Faith says this to me,

“One minute he loves you and the next he’s destroying your property, making you feel guilty–and he hits you?”

They couldn’t understand what I was fascinated with. Was it because he was a bad boy? Was it the sex? Or the size of his dick? They couldn’t wrap their minds around it and quite honestly neither could I. All I knew was that I loved him, but come on, love only goes so far. He had a hold on me, like a drug to an addict, and it was hard to break. I just wanted to believe we could work and be a family but how delusional I was.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Early Sunday morning before dawn, Faith’s phone rang; I was half asleep. When I answered the phone, I heard a familiar voice: Slimm–and he was calling on from jail. The first words that came out of his mouth were: “I hope you happy now, I’m in jail.

I couldn’t believe this guy! He broke my window; went off to hang with his home boys; got arrested; and then called me with the guilt trip?

I responded to him, “Seriously, why would that make me happy? What happened?

Explaining himself, he began, “I was hugging the block. You know we was hanging out smokin’ and drinkin’ when ‘the man’ hit the block. They got out and started harrassin’ niggas. They did a search and found a piece in the bushes. They think it was mine. Now I’m here.”

With Suspicion I replied, “Hmm, why’d they think it was yours?–out of everyone you were with. Why they just pick you?

Man! They just assume it was mine. Look I gotta go; I’ll call you later,” he says and then hangs up the phone.

He had a way of explaining things like nothing was his fault. He was so manipulative but very good at it.

Like a good girlfriend, I was there for him undeniably. And later that morning, I went to visit him–driving my car with a black plastic bag covering my broken window. I was so embarrassed in more ways than one. It was Sunday and most of the window repair shops were closed, so there was nothing I could do. However, by Monday afternoon–when his grandmother bailed him out from jail–he took care of my window, which was the least he could do for me.

Slimm’s grandmother always bailed him out. No matter how many problems that Slimm got himself into, she was always there to pick up the pieces. That’s the reason why he never held himself accountable for anything; why he refused to take responsibility; and why he always found a way to justify his wrongdoings. Slimm’s entire life was defined by escaping consequences and avoiding punishment. It was plain to see why he evaded all consequences and punishments in the real world too.

STAY TUNED NEXT WEEK TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER OF SHARINE’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, “REFLECTIONS OF A WOMAN’S INDISCRETIONS”

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO SHARINE JONES

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