Saturday Book Read w/ Sharine Jones: The Beginning of Chapter 3–Confused and Delusional


Reflections of A Woman’s Indiscretions

This book is dedicated to my mother Elena, grandmothers Josephine & Evril, & to all the Ladies in my life – Strong women I have seen Prevail no matter the circumstances or challenges.

Previously….

20131102-145624.jpgWhat seemed like hours, being locked away in a trunk, were only minutes; he released me right after my freakishly deafening cries [which I assumed was the reason he let me out]. Once I got out he said this to me,

“I’m not fucking with you.”

This was his way of stabbing me without actually doing it. He wanted to hurt me by any means necessary and proved it again by holding a bat in his hand–attempting to terrorize, hurt or do both.

I drove to Faith’s house in tears–only to be mad at myself. I knew I had to leave him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My thoughts bombarded me:

“Did I really love him more than I loved myself?”;“Why else would I settle for this type of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior?”; “Why didn’t I just walk away and call it quits?”

I didn’t know the answers; I just knew I loved him. After each episode, I’d think of the good times we shared, and I’d give in and call him–and he’d be waiting for that call. It was a mutual addiction. A week later we started where we left off: in a ghetto love affair.

~*~

Chapter 3

Confused & Delusional

The New Year was here and I was overwhelmed with joy. I just started my new position as an administrative assistant for an advertising agency and things were looking up. Slimm and I were still going strong with our “break-up-to-make-up” routine, but he would always find something to argue about; and this time he was on my case about divorce.

Although my marriage to Blu was a disaster, he was the father of my kids; and I still had love for him. Furthermore, if I was going to file for a divorce, it would be when I was ready! And the bullying antics weren’t going to make me move any faster, which elevated Slimm’s frustration with me.

This is me; I don’t like to be told what to do! I don’t like to be forced into doing anything I don’t want to do; and I tend to rebel when I’m being controlled. Pressuring me about a divorce only made me think twice – I wasn’t sure if I was ready to divorce Blu. I mean, I hated my marriage and I wanted out. But now that the time was here to file for divorce, I could not bring myself to do it [I think it was God’s way of advising me to not do it]. For once I listened to the little voice in my head, even though Slimm kept insisting on the legalities. I wanted to be sure, so I took my time with this decision – that’s what I knew. I also knew my choices weren’t always the best because I was impulsive. I didn’t think things through and I didn’t want this to be another momentous mistake. I wasn’t angry with him because he urged me to get a divorce [we were in a relationship after all], it was the tactics that he used, to handle the situation, which made me furious. Those were my thoughts on the subject, but expressing them to Slimm would’ve made him “bust a nutty,” [a term used to describe one’s temperamental rage] so I kept my feelings on the subject to myself.

I know it sounds like I was trying to eat the whole cake but what would you do if you had a husband and a boyfriend without one of them trippin’ about the other at some point and time? I don’t know? I wanted to be with Slimm, and trust me when I say that I wasn’t trying to keep Blu in my back pocket for a rainy day. But I knew something was holding me back from moving forward with a divorce. I knew Slimm wasn’t the same person I fell in love with, and yet I still loved him. How I perceived it was Slimm flipped the script on me as soon as I separated from Blu. Therefore, I could only imagine what he would be like once I divorce Blu. That’s how I was thinking back then. I was just a confused mess. All I knew for certain was that it wasn’t time to file for a divorce.

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